'All of Us Strangers' is a cathartic 'love letter' to queer people and their parents

NEW YORK – In another life, Andrew Haigh could've been a shrink.

“There’s an argument that films should be full of queer joy, which I think can be really powerful,” the British director says over coffee. “But you have to look at everything else, too. You’re not going to feel better unless you deal with it all.”

Enter “All of Us Strangers” (now in select theaters), a heart-shattering gay drama that tenderly confronts grief, pain, loneliness and resentment. Based on Taichi Yamada's 1987 novel "Strangers," the film follows a middle-aged screenwriter named Adam (Andrew Scott) who’s struggling to write about his late mom (Claire Foy) and dad (Jamie Bell). They were killed in a car accident when he was 12, before he ever had a chance to come out to them. Seeking creative inspiration, Adam ventures back to his childhood home, where he mysteriously finds his parents alive and well.

Haigh was intrigued by the notion of a character who’s lived comfortably in his sexuality for years, being forced to, in essence, come out as gay again.

“All that fear you feel as a queer person, even if you've come out, is still locked away inside you,” Haigh, 50, says. “It really does not take much to be like, ‘Oh my God, I literally feel like I always used to.’ “

As queer people can understand, “you’re constantly coming out all the time,” he continues. Is it safe to kiss your partner or hold hands in certain spaces? Should you deepen your voice at work or on the phone? “It’s a very strange experience and you can’t escape it. It was a different time when I came out, but I think young people feel the same way. I don’t think it’s suddenly all great and fantastic now.”

Andrew Scott talks compassion of 'All of Us Strangers'

The movie is frequently dreamlike and disorienting, with shots of Adam staring at his own reflection, which at times morphs and overlaps with other people’s.

“I’ve always been fascinated with reflections, and I wonder if it’s a queer thing,” Haigh says. “Your reflection is something different from your inner self; you’re constantly putting on a mask for the world.”

But Adam’s guard comes down as the film goes on, as he falls into bed with a roguish neighbor named Harry (Paul Mescal) and confesses to his parents the ways they hurt him growing up. In one of the most gut-wrenching scenes, Adam opens up about being bullied at school. He bursts into tears when his dad apologizes to him, saying, “I’m sorry I never came into your room when I heard you crying.”

“There’s so much that’s tragic about that: a connection that can happen in that moment that often doesn’t,” Haigh says. “For queer people, that scene really lands because we grew up feeling very isolated and terrified. You just wanted your parents to be like, ‘It’s OK, it’s fine, I love you.’”

For many gay moviegoers, there’s an element of wish fulfillment to the film, as Adam has the sort of honest conversations that we all wish we could have with our parents, whether they're alive or not.

"It's hard, isn't it?" says Scott, who is also gay. "Those small cruelties can't be erased. You just get up and dust yourself off and move on. I think there's something so compassionate in the film that gives people that thing of, 'Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful...' Even if it's not members of our family that we wish could apologize to us." As a filmmaker, "Andrew is saying, 'I understand that and I'm on your side.' "

As Adam's romantic relationship intensifies, he asks his mom to acknowledge Harry as his boyfriend and not just his "special friend." For those of us whose parents have tried to look past or deny our queerness, those microaggressions can feel like daggers.

“I don’t think anyone realizes how upsetting it is to go through that,” Haigh says. “You’re like, why is my relationship not valued the same as other people’s? But regardless of your sexuality, there are so many things unsaid with your parents. As you get to my age, you are going to lose your parents, so everybody is trying to deal with these very difficult things of, have I said how much I care about my family? And if you could actually have those conversations, what do you say?"

Paul Mescal, director Andrew Haigh on the movie's 'catharsis'

For audiences going to see “All of Us Strangers” in theaters, Mescal encourages them to not get hung up on its unorthodox narrative structure: “It’s not about looking for what’s real and what isn’t,” the actor says. “It’s about the feeling that you’re left with,” capturing “love and how complicated it is.”

Haigh appreciates the ways viewers bring their own experiences with loss, heartache and depression to the story.

“It’s a way for us all to feel like we’ve done our best,” he says, calling the movie a “love letter” to his parents. “My mum has seen it, which was both interesting and complicated for her. She’s seeing a film that is about me and her, in many respects. She was very upset, obviously, but she loved it.”

The film could take both him and Scott to the Oscars, with possible nominations for best adapted screenplay and best actor, respectively. Regardless of where it lands, Haigh is grateful for the “catharsis” it gave him.

“It wasn’t always an easy one,” Haigh says. “I filmed in my actual childhood home, which was a very bizarre experience. There’s a lot of strange elements to it where I forced myself to make it really personal. But I do feel like I understand myself and my parents a little better, which makes me happy.”